How about this version? I’ve given up calling it the final one. sigh…
I want an apology.
For the gloss wrapped varnish
of womans magazines.
For the fish slick pages
of fake dreams;
models like cars,
with their slashed, red
gloss of beguiling charms,
come hither dressed in
children’s jeans.
I want an apology
for the girl,
splaying the weight of her thighs
on a gym seat, frowning in a mirror
and connecting up the
place at which they meet with
the skimming of calories in breakfast.
I want an apology – for the long-fast
of the woman shivering in spring,
examining her wrists
like a witch through railings.
For the witch,
who’s really just a
woman over 30,
trying to hide
the lines that she’s laid
whilst falling in love and
breaking her heart and
having a future.
I want an apology-
for The Snow Queen -
happy to be childless
and The White Witch -
carving a world
from the ribs of the man
who’d been thinking he’d made her.
For the blood on her gown
and the hooves in her face
and the maw of a lion.
For Medusa
and Delilah,
and the old crone,
and the weird sister-
and for the 4 siblings
that couldn’t all
be Cinderella:
for the women who fall
so she can stand-
I want
an apology:
her slipper,
the ceiling-
I wish the words
could break the glass.
Well,
It really is finished, and well-done, and you are just rephrasing the last demand, perhaps because you feel a need to keep asking for the apology from different angles?
Nikki Giovanni always said that when she was finished with the ink on paper, the poem was done. The problem of rewrites then became simply the need to write a new poem. Perhaps that is why she’s so prolific…
By the way, I love it! you’re good. And so, I’d like to hear your thoughts on one I cannot seem to find an end for. At my wordpress blog, I have one posted called “Enjo-Kosai Children”. If you ever find time to read it and comment, I would be grateful,
yours,
lsr.
Yes, ending is much better (excellent actually) but I preferred air-brushed charms – you’ve replaced it with beguilded which is abstraction. Even air-brushed is a bit cliched but ok… sorry, I can’t stop myself being ultra critical. I do like it a lot.
Hi Dragonpoet,
Many thanks for stopping by-so glad you liked this piece. I had a look for “Enjo-Kosai Children” on your blog but couldn’t find it. Could you stick a link here? Would love to read it!
Bitterangel,
Glad you like the ending now. To be honest I’m still not sure. I like the sentiment of ’slipper’ and ‘ceiling’ and can see that in some ways it’s cleverer-but I’m still not sure it works to resolve the piece…better than the ’sometime-now’ ending, anyway. I think in performance the latter might work better, but I’ll give it some more thought.
‘Airbrushed’ verses ‘beguiling’, I changed it in the first place because I’d noticed that I’d used the word ‘gloss’ twice-but changed it back as the meter was too short without ‘beguiling’. I think the solution is to combine the two into “airbrushed slash of beguiling charm”.
As for “airbrushed” being cliched-I don’t agree. Firstly, womans magazine ARE cliched. Secondly, all individual words are cliched on some level. Thirdly, I think a single word can only become cliched if placed in a cliched context. Eg: “skin of the teeth” derives from Shakespeare, but is now so over used it has become cliched. However-if placed in a fresh context-”layers of dentine/ripped in the nick of escape” for instance, it becomes fresh. I think “beguiling” makes “airbrushed” fresh…but I also think “airbrushed” is useful for clearly pointing to a shared understanding of the thing being described. Cliches are useful sometimes.
Anyway, I’ll probably change it back, just haven’t got round to it let.
I like it very much. This time, when I got to the ending, my mind went, “Ooooh! Very strong.” It has more punch.
Suddenly, the poem comes to life and shows you the right stuff, enjoyable.
And, here is the link you asked about above (I left it on a different post yesterday).
The link to the Enjo-Kosai poem: http://dragonpoet.wordpress.com/2006/04/20/11/
brava, brava, brava and AMEN!!!!!! sing it, sister!!! i found this poem by way of a dear friend…
the imagery is spot on throughout- the end is fantastic – the slipper, the ceiling, the image of breaking the glass. perfection. powerful piece without *preaching* or sounding trite. did i mention perfection?
Thankyou so much Kara-and thankyou for letting me know about your site. It’s wonderful and has really given me a lot to think about. The Jensen essay-more people need to read it:
http://www.zmag.org/jensenporn.htm