Bus Ride
May 31, 2009
At this time of day the sun is a narrow boat of light.
It lingers on the tops of trees; the fences are brighter.
The sky is a sheet of cobolt blue, the telegraph poles
make crossword puzzles; the landlocked horizon shimmers sea.
At this time of day the sun dies beautifully – it’s death
is a slant on a terracotta field: the glinting sky,
amber on the road, the gilt – circling the paving stones
like the correct answers, on a geography test paper.
At this time of day, a golden city will fit itself
into what’s already there; the sun floats like an orange.
It illuminates an apple that fits inside my hand.
It runs along my wrist like a glove of yellow sand
At this time of day, the world is made of softened gold
For an hour like a light box, I think of nothing else
I like this. Not sure about the use of ‘cobalt’. a bit much maybe?
Maybe take out the word ‘blue?
What about ‘the sun dies/
in a beautiful slant…’? ‘Beautifully ‘ is a bit of a mouthful there.
Take out some ‘the s’ in stanza 4and the comma?
i love the atmosphere of this, ‘glove of yellow sand’..lovely!
Last line…not a capital at the beginning? Do you want to draw attention again to the fact you’re on a bus somewhere in the poem?
Px
Hey, thanks for that both. All good suggestions so I’ll think through. Each line is actually 14 syllables (after this Ciaran Carson book I’ve been reading)so paring down would disrupt that, but I’ll have a think. Agree about the possible need to mention the bus again. Hm…thanks alot tho XXX