Golden Balls

April 22, 2008

I think I may just have discovered the worst TV program, ever made. It’s called Golden Balls.

I’m sitting in Ravoli – this take out/eat in place on Welford Road: I’ve taken to eating my dinner in there because I burn toast and am too lazy to try harder lately. They have a TV. It plays…whatever. The take out place has no discernment – unless of course the owners are taking time out to eat, in which case it’s cricket. But anyway.

Golden Balls is a gameshow presented by Jasper Carrot. When I was a child, Jasper Carrot was a household name: a comedian with his own primetime show – Carrot Uncanned. Now, he is doing this. I feel sad for Jasper Carrot. I am sitting, eating my paneer kebab thinking – this is a sad paneer kebab – Jasper, how did this happen?

It’s hard to be specific about the rules of Golden Balls. It has something to do with lying to your competitors. It has something to do with each contestant having in front of themselves a series of lined up golden balls. They have to guess – I think – which balls have money in them. They are Cassandras for the Daily Mail reading generation.

In the final, two women sit opposite each other, balls between them.

One says “I feel drawn to this one…but I’m not sure..”

the other one says “No go ahead, I trust your judgement”.

Judgement???

The take out proprietor asks me if I’m watching Golden Balls. He doesn’t know that it is called Golden Balls. I piffle at him. As if I would watch this crap. So he changes the channel. Back to the cricket. I miss who wins. I miss how it ends.

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