Letter to a Bike Thief

January 31, 2010

Dear Bike Thief

Thankyou for visiting the other day. Because I hadn’t seen you for a while, I’d started to worry you might have finished your bike, or even worse, got tied up with some annoying community service order. I now see, I needn’t have been concerned.

I hope you’re happy with the wheels, the fork, the handlebars and the small bell with the red heart. All of them were new from after the last time you came, so should be in pretty good working order.

The new bike should be refitted in about a fortnight. I’ll leave it outside in the same place – in the bike shed, next to the Neighbourhood Watch sign. As usual, don’t worry about the security guard (he never comes around) or the camera’s (they don’t really work) – or the Neighbourhood Watch scheme – it’s really just the old woman with the cat, at number 12. You seem to have got the hang of the new bike chain, so no problem there.

Hope you had a good Christmas and are enjoying the new year. Take care of yourself. Don’t get run over by a bus or anything and end up in casualty or in hell burning for eternity. In a cycle hat. That would be awful. Really, really awful. Really.


One Response to “Letter to a Bike Thief”

  1. Oh I could have written this. If anyone pinched my bike! I did end up under a white van though the other day.

    Do you mind if I bring my old bike to yours when its insured please?

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